Feelings aren't Furniture!

Ever have a feeling that’s so overwhelming you wind up saying something you later wish you hadn’t said?  Like in the moment, that feeling was so huge all you could do was react, and you didn’t even have a choice about it?  

Maybe you’ve heard that saying “feelings aren't facts.”  But sometimes feelings are so big they feel like facts, they seem as real as furniture.  Only they rearrange us!  When we say someone really “lost it”, we mean their feelings took over their better judgement. But neuroscience has shown that in the brain, a "feeling" is actually a chemical impulse that only lasts a few seconds.  It's how we react to that impulse that determines whether "this too shall pass" or plates go flying.
 
It's two moments: first we feel the feeling, then we react to that feeling.  Consider the difference between noticing, "gee, I really feel angry right now" versus reacting to the anger with that word or gesture we later regret. It's not the feeling itself that causes the problem, it's how we react to the feeling that can make a bad situation into a nightmare.  

But feelings aren't furniture, they're just feelings! Learning how to manage your feelings means you're in charge of them, they're not in charge of you! When you begin to notice your feelings without having to react to them, then you are free to choose how to respond to them. Learning to notice feelings without having to react to them is one of the first benefits of well-being practice. 

Don’t worry about getting in touch with your feelings: if you stay sober long enough, they’ll get in touch with you!  And when they do, be ready with a pencil and paper—to write them down.  The first step to managing feelings is to put them into words so you can see them.  The act of writing them down already changes your brain:  Now you are noticing, rather than reacting.  Writing down your feelings for five minutes a day can be the beginning of a well-being practice that leads to self-knowledge and spiritual growth. 

Susan Dingle LCSW CASAC is a therapist on the North Fork providing counseling for tweens, adolescents and adults. She is currently accepting new clients, and can be reached at 631/734-8658.