Was I in Denial Autism?

I guess I could sit here and continue saying everything is perfect, my life is normal, great and nothing is wrong. Yes I have a son with Autism but he has been diagnosed since age 2, and I was the one to be all positive about it. To me it was a little learning disability and autism wasn't going to change who he was, either way I loved him, I bonded with him during my pregnancy I knew we would be close, and I always believed one day I would have children with special needs.

So does that make it easier? well I was on cloud nine I had two children a girl and a boy and the white picket fence right? not exactly. Lets just say life was not easy to begin with and now we have taken a turn where autism is a challenge.

Yes I know everyone told me this in the beginning, people said I'm so sorry, autism is a challenge, and my grandmother was praying for me. Honestly I didn't want to here it everything in my world was fine, I was thankful to have children I barely where able to conceive and to me it was normal.

My son has grown over the years he is now six, his speech is much better, and he receives services, but as of a few months ago he has developed knew habits, and old ones have reappeared. They call this regression, but come on he is regressing back to years of education still? These habits should be gone by now, and the new ones should not be worse.

For days he has been trying to tell me something, not only by speech but by behavior, throwing things for hours, jumping, and still eloping, are concerning. But now he is holding his hands over his ears, possibly a autism trait, crying and laughing, his emotions are all over the place and he always wants Mommy.

The other day I was with my son by myself, I realized it now takes two people to handle him through out a day, fifteen hours days for me is just too much. So now we split the time between me and an aupair and have done that for two years. 

Every year the aupair changes, and we need one who clicks with my son, I am now working to pay for the aupair, but we need the help and I am thankful for it as I know many people can not afford extra help. Honestly since I have had the help I don't know what I would do with out it any more.

The teachers have been wonderful, but now I raise the question am I going to be able to care for my son forever? The thing is he will most likely live longer then me, I will probably always need help which puts me in the working field for a very long time, he needs a tons of structure, I have always believed I would care for him as long as I can, but am I being realistic? I have a son, he has autism, he is my responsibility, what will I do when the day comes, and the challenges are even more and he is over the age of eighteen?

Honestly I never believed the challenges would be more and now I believe they will be even a lot more in years to come, yes I was told this too, but did I listen? and had I listened would I have gotten to where I am today? I listened to my heart, I listened to my thoughts, and I believe I did listen to others!